seachange mathilde

A friendly neighbour reminded me that it has been over a month since I posted. I guess work blocking vox had a bigger impact on my blogging than I anticipated!

Wow. Looking back and "neigh bourhood only" - ing some of my older posts has made me realise:

• How far I've actually come in the last 18 months since moving to G-town.
• I used to put a lot more time and energy into blogging then I do now. Perhaps because I have less to report, but perhaps also because I'm not an excited newbie anymore. These days, it is like 'pictures, huh?'.

Some random things:

• I am working on our staff conditions agreement in my accom in C-ville. This is my fifth hour of attempting to correct the terrible formatting inflicted upon the agreement by management. This was necessary because (a) I couldn't properly edit it without correcting the numbering; and (b) I'm a formatting fascist and I shouldn't have to endure this ugly, ugly document.
• I got up at about 8.30am this morning. It is 10.50am right now, and I seriously need a nap. This is what happens if you finally give your body sleep - the greedy bastard wants more.
• On the upside, I'm working on this shitty agreement in front of season 2 of the West Wing.
• Diet Coola cordial is the bomb. If I drink much more my pee will probably turn bright green.
• I should have internet shopping purchases waiting for me at the post office when I get home. Fingers crossed it all fits! Whooooooop.

Loathing:

• I'm back in my old place of anxiety and depression. This matter is getting close to ending, and it is causing me considerable stress. Which is spilling over into my usual place of trying to make everyone happy, feeling paranoid and insecure, and having waves of anxiety. I feel depressed and de-motivated at work, because I feel like nothing I do really matters. I'm bored, because I've done it all before. And I'm scared, because the future is coming and it is coming fast. Basically, my head is a total jumble of blah-ness at the moment.
• I'm dreadfully tired today, and I don't know why. I had a lot of sleep over the weekend, including last night. Hurumph. I probably need to take some iron tablets, because I haven't been eating much red meat lately.
• I'm feeling less and less confident about my body lately. I have been spending too much time with boys, to the point where they forget that I am not 'one of the boys' and I hear stuff that I don't want to. Men, even otherwise enlightened men, objectify women a lot, and when you feel that someone would need to look past some 'issues' with your body (wobbly bits, stretch marks etc) it is hard to hear boys be fairly critical of other women.
• I was away for about 10 days of the last 2.5 weeks. NH did absolutely no cleaning during that time beyond doing the dishes. She made no comments about the fact that she came home yesterday evening to a fully cleaned bathroom and kitchen. Grrrrrrr. I think I will ask her to vacuum the house this week.
• I'm working on this agreement with a small time mining company at the moment, and it is driving me crazy. They are being a pain in my arse!

Loving:

• Making plans. I'm seriously now able to think about going overseas, and although all of this life changes stuff scares the CRAP out of me, being able to plan for a holiday is brilliant. I've decided that I have to be NOT my usual obsessive planny self, so the plan is this: fly to London, arrange a few weeks worth of travel and accom in France and Spain, and then? Nothing. I will decide when I am over there whether I want to take a TEFL course, whether I want to go back to London to earn money, whether I want to travel another few weeks and head home, etc. Possibly I will revise this free-wheeling plan when I got closer to a departure date and start to panic, but for now I'm deciding that I need to go away and see where the wind takes me. Only then will I be able to clear my head, calm the fuck down, and start to consider what I want to do with the next 5 years of my life.
• The weather improved long enough over the long weekend for me to have my first swim of the season! Went up to one of my favourite beaches with AC, and swam and lounged and read my book. Bliss-orama! Unfortunately yesterday it started raining again, but nothing will dampen my joy at having had my beach time at last!
• Spent the long weekend doing a fair bit of baking and DVD watching. I made banana bread and double chocolate biscuits... nom nom nom. I also went to the gym (only once, naughty) and cleaned the house.
• BC is coming up to the G-town office for a week tomorrow! Hurrah! I am so pleased to have her around. It always makes me feel better, even if I have to share her with other people :P
• Today's xkcd. I can't upload it, because vox is a muthafucka, but go and check it out. It's called "creepy" and sums up my approach to romantic life.
• Just got my eyelashes tinted, and then spent $100 on products for lady-type things (nailpolish, SPF moisturiser etc etc). This is expenditure which I should not be making, because I am meant to be saving, but it feels good to spend money on myself. For now.
• Homemade banana bread, pink grapefruit, pumpkin and chickpea salad.
• I am obsessed with Bio Oil. I doubt it does what it purports to do (reduce the appearance of stretch marks etc), but it feels and smells amazing! I've been slathering it on every night after my shower. It doesn't sit on top of the skin like heavy moisturiser does, but it has a similar moisturising effect. Plus, for about an hour, I'm all sparkly :)

And what do you know... by the end of this post I managed to talk myself out of a lot of my doom and gloom! Banana bread totally has curative properties.

Apologies for my inability to stick with using just one tense. I blame the fever... and my increasingly poor grammar and spelling.

Friday night:

• Left work at 5pm - shocking I know! Went home and got ready to hit the town. I wore a dress I haven't worn out before because the zip sits a bit funny, but then I figured not many people spend a lot of time contemplating my back, given that most conversations happen face to face, so I chucked it on anyway. It was a bit lower cut than I anticipated, but hey ho, accidental cleavage is always a risk with me.
• AC met me at my house and we walked into town. I had free tix for us to go to this band thingy (3 non-local bands playing), and we were meeting CrazyGirl #1 and CrazyGirl #2* for a drink beforehand. Had a few drinks. It became apparent that CG1 and CG2 were not that into the bands plan after all, and were hoping to hook up with certain boys. We met CG1's boy at another pub. He was completely wasted and TOTALLY obnoxious.
• Finally went to the venue for the bands. Arrived towards the end of the set of Band #1. They were terrible. The crowd was worse - many many more boys than girls, and many many of them very very drunk and obnoxious. I quickly realised that AC and I were far too sober to deal with this.
• CG1 and CG2, within about 30 mins, decide that they want to leave and are ditching us. CG1 was meant to be setting AC up with a mate, so puts mate's number in AC's phone, and then texts mate to say that AC will call her to meet up. CG1 promptly departs.
• AC realises that this plan is impractical because he has never met the mate, and she has never met him. Finding each other in a crowded bar is probably going to be impossible.
• AC and I then head back to Pub #1 for a couple of drinks. Two mates turned up, and we had a few drinks with them. AC drafts a text message, I deem it a bit stand-offish and re-draft it for him. After an hour or two, AC and I walked back to my place, for tea, cheese on toast and some D&Ms. AC waited long enough to sober up and then drove himself home. I am tipsy enough to be awake, but not drunk enough to be sleep-inclined, so I stayed up an hour or two, unable to sleep.

Saturday:

• I didn't have being hungover as an excuse to skip bodybalance, but I skipped it anyway. Instead, I stayed in bed with recipe books, planning some recipe book cooking.
• Go do the grocery shopping, come home and clean the kitchen (4 days worth of dishes, oy vai) and the bathroom.
• By then, it was late afternoon, so I had a lie in bed and watch a DVD. Had an offer to go out, but passed on grounds of feeling like crap. Which I did - just under the weather and hermity.
• For dinner, make chicken tagine with green olives, with couscous and carrot n fetta salad. Yum! Watched Funny Face, with Audrey Hepburn and Fred Astaire. I'm going to put it out there - this film is underwhelming, and Audrey Hepburn is not a great singer. However, the half a block of dark chocolate I ate really helped soothe this pain.
• Early to bed!

Sunday:

• I woke up at a reasonable hour, and then proceeded to spend the morning in bed reading Marie Claire. I also remembered why I don't normally buy that magazine...Made myself mushies and eggs on toast. Nom!
• Finally dragged my arse out of bed, and went to shops to buy one onion, which was (at the time) what I was missing to make dahl for dinner. Went to the beach for a nice long walk in the sun, and then home for some more cleaning.
• Watched yet more DVDs in bed. Started feeling very crap indeed, and noticed that I had a sore throat. Wondered when that happened.
• Went out and did some half-arsed weeding of the lawn. Marvelled at the amount of cat crap everywhere, given I don't have a cat. Vowed revenge against the neighbourhood cats - mostly by shaking my fist in their general direction.
• Decided to make an early dinner. Realised I had everything to make dahl, but the lentils. Whoops!
• Ended up making the world's GREATEST risotto - poached chicken in broth of rosemary, garlic in saffron, then shredded the chicken and used the broth to make the risotto. Added shredded spinach, lemon and onion, and made a red wine syrup to go over the top. Amazing! Risotto always feels decadent because of the gloopyness, but if you make it with oil and not too much cheese, it probably isn't too bad. Yeah, quite starchy, but whatevs. Sometimes starch is necessary... like when you are feeling really quite sick.  
• After dinner, I got back into bed for more (yes, more!) DVDs and decided that I was feeling really quite unwell. Then I fell asleep a bit after midnight.

Monday morning:

• Woke up. Sick. And unimpressed with the universe.
• AC reports that no return text from the mate. She gets pretty much written off as a prospect... but I declare that is his payment to the universe for the (therefore inevitable) impending success with the girl in The City that he likes.
• Have a good phone call with a client... and therefore decide that the illness and continual work disasters HAS to be my universal payment for something. The pay off just better be epic, I tell ya.

So... what did you lot do with your weekends?

* pls note that the use of "Crazy" is intended to be affectionate - these girls are totally lovely, but, at least by my standards, very enthusiastic "party" types.

I don't know about you lot, but I am having one HELL of a rollercoaster-y week. From the high of possible blood results, to the low of my biggest work matter coming crashing down around my ears due to a wonky map. So next week, instead of getting to go to The City to tell the court that, after over TWO years, we are finally READY, I have to go to C-ville (AGAIN) and get a colleague to tell the Court that, actually, we're not quite done yet. SORRY.

I've been feeling very teary and depressed today, and I think it is mostly out of frustration. I'm so desperate to quit my job, and I can't until this matter is done. I renewed my lease for a further six months today. So much for my 'it's only for one year' line when I first moved to G-town!

I'm going out tonight to see bands with some mates and AC, so I'm going to get trashed and blow off some steam. Maybe have a drunken cry... AC is being set up with a friend of my friend, which should be interesting. I think AC is out to play the field a bit, but he's hilariously nervous about it, so I'm basically being his life coach at the moment. I've even offered to drive him back to his car tomorrow if he picks up, so I've dubbed myself his "Sex Facilitator". I'm thinking of adding "SF" to my business cards after "BA (Hons) LLB"...

Listening to: Florence & The Machine.

My blood tests came back, and my Dad called last night to explain the results. It isn't a 100% sure at this stage, but it looks like, for the first time, I might be ovulating. Meaning I might be able to have babies after all :)

This post is a total rant, and probably not really of interest to anyone, but the venting has to come out somewhere!

I had quite a good GP up here, who I had only seen twice, but who I liked. She was understanding of my fairly complex health issues, and not at all judgmental. Unfortunately, she moved on recently, and I had to find a new one. I went and saw a GP on Friday who specialises in diabetes issues because I have a condition which, while not diabetes, is similar.

One of the ways in which I have worked to come to terms with my health problems is to lose my focus on 'losing weight' and instead focus on 'being healthy'. In my growing awareness I have come to know this as the 'health at every size' philosophy. There is an increasing amount of evidence to establish that what matters in terms of a person's health is fitness, not fatness. As in, a person who is 'overweight' but exercises and eats well can be healthier than a person of the 'right' weight who doesn't exercise and eats poorly.

I have come to accept that I will never be a size zero. In fact, I will probably never be less than an AUS16. And that is okay. But I am prepared to work to avoid diabetes, and lessen my risks of heart disease etc. I try and focus on what makes me feel healthy, rather than what I'm told will make me thin.

Examples of this from my own life include:

• reducing the amount of 'diet products' in favour of the full fat alternatives, which do not contain harmful chemicals;
• sometimes choosing to go for a walk at the beach instead of the gym, because a walk in the sunshine along the coast gives me greater psychological benefits than pedalling and going nowhere;
• doing BodyBalance rather than BodyPump because I prefer it, and don't like the pain associated with pump; and
• not always denying myself dessert or 'bad' foods, because part of eating out is the social aspect of enjoying good food.

I think that since I adopted this approach, without any awareness of the HAES philosophy at the time, I have been a happier person. Importantly, I haven't gained weight, which I gauge by whether my clothes fit, rather than a number on a scale.

Which brings me back to this GP. I have seen A LOT of doctors over the years, and I know within about 5 minutes whether they are going to be a good fit for me. This doctor:

• Did not ask me about my diet or my exercise habits. This is a FAIL for a doctor regardless of a patient's stated medical problems, in my opinion, because diet and exercise are key factors in a person's wellbeing. This is an even bigger FAIL when your patient has a condition which means that they should be adopting certain types of eating habits (eg: my condition means that I should try and eat to regulate my insulin levels).
• Did not take my blood pressure or ask me about my cholesterol levels. Both are very good, and are indications of a fit and healthy person.
• Did not ask me what my goals were. She assumed that I was there to 'get' myself ovulating, despite the fact that she did not have any records to indicate that I wasn't (it is a regular feature of my condition, but not 100%). She also assumed that I was actively trying to lose weight. She did not ask me whether I was trying to lose weight or whether I was trying to improve my health. It is dangerous to assume that patients want what their doctors recommend - it is the same as lawyers assuming that what is in a client's best interests is what they want you to do. Patients, like clients, make their own decisions, bearing the advice that the doctor gives them in mind.
• Failed to give me advice when I asked a question about a medication related to my condition. I went in there wanting to know a very specific thing, and left there no clearer.
• Told me to start using meal replacement soups. This, to me, was the biggest FAIL. Firstly, meal replacement therapy is not generally recommended, and there are COUNTLESS studies which establish that this sort of dieting is not something which people can maintain. Newsflash: yo yo dieting is more dangerous for you than staying your current size! Secondly, she had not asked me whether I had tried similar products before, and what other ways I had tried to lose weight. She had no idea whether I had taken a similar approach before and whether it had failed.

So, basically a giant FAIL FAIL FAIL all around. The final nail in the coffin for me was her complete disinterest in the psychological aspect of my health. This was only really clarified for me once I saw my psych yesterday.

Having gotten a lot of my anxiety problems under control, we've turned to talking about my weight. I've always thought I was pretty well adjusted about it, but she pointed out some stuff about my attitude which I think need addressing. Essentially, in attempting to survive major body issues / dysfunctions I've gone into protection mode, which was necessary to preserve my psyche but is also probably preventing me from taking (good) risks in my personal life. I explained to my psych that I aim to be healthy, not thin, and while this was necessary for my own self-protection (as in, there is only so long that you can hold onto a 'thin dream' without becoming incredibly depressed) it is also a philosophy I believe in.

I commented on how difficult it was to find a doctor who understood HAES, and that I was sick of having doctors try and make me try drastic and extreme methods of weight loss. I once had a doctor recommend gastric bypass surgery, when I am actually not large enough for the procedure! My psych completely understood where I was coming from, and has recommended a GP who she said will understand where I'm coming from, and that hassling me about losing weight is not helpful.

I'm hopeful that this new GP will be good, because I think having a good GP will make such a difference. I regularly put off going to doctors because I don't want to have to go through my medical history all over again, so I would LOVE someone I could go to without all the crap.

Anyway, so that is my rant over with. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be over here listening to angry fat girl music.

Is it just me, or was the neighbourhood quiet last night? Only two new posts... weird.

Loathing:

• Crap night's sleep last night. All my fault because I lacked the willpower to stop watching Shameless at a decent hour. *slap on wrist*
• I feel all tired and wonky today. But I MUST make myself go to BodyBalance tonight, because I haven't been in over a week. Plus I think I need the sun to come back. I think my sleeping is always much better if I've been able to get some sunshine on my skin during the day.
• Missing having BC in my office... it is quiet and boring in here without her!
• That weird taste that boiled egg leaves in your mouth.
• Certain people at work are angling for certain things, and it bothers me. Some people think they are worth an awful lot more than they actually are.

Loving:

• Good fruit! Yesterday had strawberries, kiwi and pink grapefruit. Nom nom nom. I've never been a grapefruit fan, but I have rediscovered pink grapefruit recently. I think the secret is to mix into other stuff to cut down the sour factor.
• I'm still happy with my haircut. It is growing out nicely, and is relatively easy to style. Score!
• Our new admin person is just a godsend. It is amazing to have someone functional do stuff for me. The era of Raisin is well and truly over...
• The rose and carnation handcream I just rediscovered in my desk.
• Having the house to myself for another few days. This episode has definitely confirmed for me that I want to live alone next.
• Did an hour worth of cardio at the gym last night. Go me! I suppose this shouldn't be an achievement so much as an everyday event, but I'm still going to count it as a win. I really need some new sneakers though - my feet keep going a bit numb after 15 minutes on the cross trainer, which is unsettling and a bit painful.
• Made some anzac biscuits last night for work today. I slightly overcooked them, so they don't have that chewy centre that I like, but I experimented by adding a bit of nutmeg, and I think they are a win!

I'm doing this early this week, as I won't have time tomorrow. Instead I'll be sitting in a client meeting, no doubt being yelled at for things that aren't my fault. Ripper. I haven't posted much in the last week or so. It has been incredibly hectic, with one minor disaster after another, but I'm hoping that things are finally coming together. Which of course means that they will fall apart on Wednesday. Anywaaaaaaaay, here goes.

Loathing:

• Period pain. I have this one difficult client group, and somehow I always manage to schedule meetings with them for the week I have my period. I was up until 3am last night thanks to my bloody uterus. It isn't helping my back pain, either. Now I have to do a five hour drive on very little sleep.
• Work stress. One of the biggest problems with this job is that you never feel like you make any progress. It is always one step forward, two steps back. Having to come in for a few hours on a Sunday don't help either.
• I'm usually pretty positive about my body, and I like to think I am a good advocate for 'health at any size'. But I'm struggling this week, because no matter how you look at it, few men are attracted to the plus size ladies. There are bigger problems, but it sucks when there are people who you think you would be a good match for, but they've already ruled you out in their head because you're a certain size. I know my weight is a large part of why I am always single - partly because less people are interested, and partly because I'm scared of rejection and so have shut down the part of my brain which might otherwise make me 'put myself out there'. I don't see myself overcoming this, however, because frankly there is only so much battering I'm prepared to put myself up for. Which I guess means that maybe I'm not so accepting of my body as I would like to be, because otherwise I'd think 'fuck them' and move on.
• Got my spa on on Saturday night, which was great, but now I have a heat rash on my back. Which will make this road trip very annoying... bloody itchy car fabric.
• I'm shop-happy at the moment. I think maybe I am using clothes to boost my confidence, which would be fine, but for the shipping costs involved in actually obtaining clothes that will do that. I'm meant to be saving to go traveling!

Loving:

• I finished a major negotiation last week. It was a huge achievement for me, because my skills are more in the mediation side of my job than the hard-nosed negotiation bits. I bought a handbag to celebrate. Which isn't helping my financial situation, but fuck it, I bloody well deserve it.
• Getting into Bat for Lashes at the moment. Yes, I'm late to the party, but dammit, I arrived.
• Having great people to work with. BC and AC are heaps of fun, and great friends. Not everyone gets this lucky with their work colleagues.
• I think I'm getting better at accepting the things I can't control. It still gets to me, but I get over it much quicker than I used to. I haven't had an appointment with the psych in a few months, so I'm going to try and make one for the next few weeks.
• My new haircut. It has made my hair so much more manageable, and easier to style without doing any styling at all. I'm like the laziest person in the world with my hair, and this haircut suits that.
• Globe artichokes, boiled and served with butter. Anyone who stuffs artichokes deserves to be shot for blaspheming their natural goodness.
• Dad's homemade quince paste.
• I've planted new plants in pots, and repotted and weeded some of my old ones. I'm hoping my thyme survives... for some reason I always kill it.

So there we go. More loves than loathes this week, which is good. Although I'll see how I feel after tomorrow's meeting...