I got home last night after BodyBalance, ate a huge bowl of pasta with ridiculous amounts of garlic and cheese, and then called my Mum. And sobbed. It felt good to do, because I had been holding it in for about 4 days. I don't have anyone here who I can show my real panic or stress levels to, who can tell me that I am strong, and tough, and capable, and that it will all be okay.
My mum gave me sensible advice, and as usual it was stuff I already knew but fail to remember. I need to block out all the office politics, all the crap, and get as much work done as possible over the next few days before MotherHen leaves. I need to be head down, bum up and just not get caught up in the gossip and crap.
This is all quite hard to do. The 4 lawyers here basically work in one giant communal office, and lots of the other staff come to visit and chat. It is hard not to get drawn into things, particularly if, like me, you have a natural instinct to try and help people sort out their problems and issues.
But today I am so depressed by the whole situation that I've put the headphones in, and am just getting on with it. I don't think I can talk to anyone about anything, because I have no energy left. My light was off at 10pm last night, and sleep came (miraculously) at about 12am, and yet this morning I woke up at 7am feeling like I'd been hit in the head by a brick. My whole body feels heavy and sad.
And yet, I'm just not ready to leave this job. There are things I want to do, to achieve, and I feel like if I leave before those things happen then I will always have regrets. But perhaps I will always have that feeling - there is always more that could be done for Aboriginal rights, and there is never a clear end point.
And I'm not ready to leave G-town. Despite my feeling isolated and lonely a lot lately, I feel like if I left now it would be a waste of all the efforts I've been making to settle in and make a life for myself here. And I don't know what I would be going back to. I don't have any clue about what job I would want to do in The City, and whether I would move home or find a sharehouse again. Apart from anything, the prospect of moving again just seems too exhausting and expensive. I can't move unless my parents help me financially, or I find a job which would be prepared to pay for my relocation. Both of which are in theory feasible, but wholly unattractive. And, despite the isolation, I like living here. The size of the town, the country atmosphere, the small community I'm trying to integrate myself into, the people in this office, the life I'm bit by bit building for myself... I like it all.
There isn't a lot else I could really do in G-town. I could work for the Aboriginal Legal Service, but that would feel like moving sideways, ie still doing community work with much the same constituency, and probably facing the same internal politics issues. I think I will be too burned out for that after this. I feel like when I leave this job I will need a break - time at home not working, or maybe to head overseas for a few months. But I'm not in a position to do either of those, especially not financially.
I guess what I'm faced with is an incredibly dysfunctional, difficult, stressful and almost traumatising job which I love and hate in equal amounts, an unwillingness to admit defeat or to abandon my clients, an unpreparedness to face the future or to even decide what future I want, and a lack of financial freedom to decide my next move on my terms.
All of which makes me just want to snuggle on the couch with my Mum. I'm hanging out for next weekend, when I'll be in The City and can seek comfort in the arms of my friends, family and puppy.
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